After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he would just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes, and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again, the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

www.dan-the-bookkeeper.co.za

Beauty of the Day

Flower power

At a marriage workshop, the speaker remarks that many couples are so disconnected that 85 per cent of husbands do not know what their wives’ favourite flower is. One man turns to his wife and whispers, “It’s self-raising, right?”

www.dan-the-bookkeeper.co.za

Beauty of the Day

Gone Fishing

A man gets up early, dresses quietly, goes into the garage, hooks up to his pickup, and sets off to go fishing, only to find the weather has changed into a torrential downpour with a 50 km/ h wind. He turns on the radio and hears a report predicting more bad weather for the rest of the day. He goes back into the house, quietly undress, skips back into bed and cuddles up to  his wife and, now with a different anticipation, whispers ,”the weather out there is terrible”.

”I know,” his wife replies, “can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

www.dan-the-bookkeeper.co.za

Beauty of the Day

Kill the parrot!

A woman goes into a pet shop and enquires to buy a Parrot. The assistant tells her that he only has one left and that she can have it for $100.

"But,” he added, "I must warn you - his previous owner was a Madam in a house of ill repute".

"That's ok,” the woman says - "I'll take it anyway"

When she got it home the Parrot said "Ah, different brothel - different Madam"

The woman replied, "This is no brothel and I am no Madam"

After a while the woman's two daughters came to visit for the day the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel, different Madam, and different prostitutes"!!

The woman repeated, "This is no brothel, I am no Madam and these are my Daughters"

Later on, the woman's Husband came home from work the Parrot chirped "Ah, different brothel, different Madam, different prostitutes... Oh hello George, Nice to see you again"!

2011-11-11

Horse joke

One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”

Beauty of the Day

Just a little stupid joke!

There are these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

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Beauty of the Day

Christmas Raffle

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks, when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

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Beauty of the Day

Snoring

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

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Beauty of the Day

We must share the roads, please

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road.

 Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

Jenny Love – My beautiful country

Try this brain teaser

Beauty of the Day

On your own now

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

 The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Jenny Love

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Beauty of the day

Gently Put

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.

"Break it to her gently," they all urge.

"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

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Beauty of the Day

Want to be a music conductor?

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Beauty of the day

Back Seat Driver

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was only doing 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No sir, only when he's drunk."

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Beauty of the Day

Tickets, please!

3 engineers and 3 accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 accountants each buy tickets and watch as the 3 engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the 3 accountants cram into a restroom and the 3 engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Beautiful women

Beauty of the Day

The idiot brothers

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."

My beautiful body

Beauty of the Day

Marry me

Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

My beautiful body

Beauty of the Day

Ask a question and you will get an answer!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Ouma se Kombuis

Beauty of the Day

A seat madam?

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Beauty of the Day

So We Helped A Skunk

So I'm driving home driving home from dinner last night with my wife, it's like 16 degrees out. Cold as hell. Icicles on your balls kind of cold. So anyways we're going around a slow corner and she (my wife) spots a baby skunk lying on the side of the road. Being the animal lover she is, I get yelled at to pull over and help the little guy.

"Fine, I'll stop but you gotta get out and help it." I say. So she jumps out of the car and picks up this baby skunk. Poor little guy is half frozen but still alive. She says, "What should I do?" "Bring it in the car" I tell her and we'll "warm him up".

So she gets in with the skunk and asks, "How should I keep him warm?" I tell her "Put it between your legs." She replies "What about the smell?" So I say, "Just hold his nose!"

The doctors expect I'll make a full recovery, but the skunk she used to beat me with died during the incident.

Beauty of the day

How to have a snore-free night

By the time a soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

“No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

Beauty of the Day